My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
