some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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