I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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