I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
