I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I party with great urgency now.
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