**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
