I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
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You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
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Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap