I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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