I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
