So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
