talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
