I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
