idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
