come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize