I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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