i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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