I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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