I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just cropdusted the office
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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