Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Come see our sink grown plant.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
