on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
