maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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