The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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