He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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