remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
