so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
