Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
