Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
