in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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