Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
