did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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