Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
