is your mom at the bar?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
