First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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