Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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