I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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