so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
