Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
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we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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