I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
