People in love make me want to vomit
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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