I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
there's paper in my vomit.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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