No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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