I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
