just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
