I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
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you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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