Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
