That's when you crack a 10am beer
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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