We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
