between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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