just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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