My underwear smells like fireworks.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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