Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
