Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
