I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
