I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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