My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
