so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
