I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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