forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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