I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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