in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
