His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
