i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
